Breaking the Cycle

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After a year in Harlan, Iowa, my husband Leo and I moved to New Jersey. We quickly got involved in a Bible-believing church, completed a two-year discipleship program, and did everything that looked right on the outside. But at home, behind closed doors, it was a different story.


I struggled with anger.

I had trust issues.

I wanted to be the leader of the home.

I fought hard against submitting to my husband.

I was full of worry and had a desperate need to control everything around me.


The Bible says, “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death” (Proverbs 14:12).


And another verse warns,

“He did that which was right in the sight of the Lord, but not with a perfect heart” (2 Chronicles 25:2).


That was me, outwardly right, inwardly disconnected, mistaking busyness for true obedience.


Then, in September 2010, tragedy struck.

My husband Leo died suddenly in a motorcycle accident. I was left a widow with five children, my youngest just three months old, my oldest only twelve.  It was the most devastating moment of my life and for my five small children, who suddenly had to grow up in a world without their father.


And yet, I saw God’s hand so clearly.

I still remember how He provided, through people, through unexpected kindness, through incredible generosity. Friends and strangers helped us financially, physically, and emotionally.


In the midst of our sorrow, my children were blessed with gifts every year, not only from loved ones but also from the kindness of strangers who showed up when we least expected it. God’s goodness was undeniable.  Still, I kept living the only way I knew, busy with outward righteousness, working hard for God, thinking that’s what Christianity was all about.

Two years into widowhood, I began praying for a husband. The church prayed with me. But I grew impatient.  In my impatience, I fell into sin and committed fornication. God convicted me deeply. I repented and sought forgiveness from God, from my children, and from my church family.  That’s just one example.

Over the years, my Christian life has often felt like a roller coaster. I kept striving to live for God, making foolish decisions, falling into sin, repenting, and starting over again. Some mistakes were small. Others were life-changing.


Eventually, I had to ask myself: Why am I so unstable? Why do I keep repeating the same cycle?


That’s when I found real wisdom in Ephesians 5:15-17:

“See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise,  Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.  Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.”


Walking circumspectly means living carefully, being alert, wise, and cautious. It means realizing that every step matters to God. Rushing through life without seeking God’s wisdom only leads to more heartache:


“Also, that the soul be without knowledge, it is not good; and he that hasteth with his feet sinneth”(Proverbs 19:2).


Wanting something, even something good, without God’s wisdom leads to disaster.  Moving fast without filtering every step and decision through God’s Word opens the door to sin and invites consequences we never intended.


Looking back, I see God’s mercy written all over my story.  Today, I am learning that true Christian maturity is not just about doing “good things.”  It is about walking wisely, listening carefully, and moving slowly enough to hear God’s voice before taking the next step.


We can spend years repeating the same painful cycles until we finally learn to walk circumspectly, with wisdom, and with God at the center.

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